when I scoffed and said COVID-19 wouldn’t be a big deal, to my hairdresser (tried to calm her despite knowing it was going to be a problem)
when I taunted my sibling and they threw a swing at me (I still have the scar)
the time I stayed up all night to study for an exam (it took me weeks to get over it)
when I yelled at my partner
when I did it again
when I skipped a meal (and kept skipping them, for years)
when I told someone that a business was on the left side of the street (it was on the right side of the street)
when I said north was the direction of the whiteboard at school (it wasn’t and I was the only one in the class who couldn’t figure out directions)
when I stole Halloween candy from my brother’s room (the cherry blasters were good though)
when I said something mean without thinking about it
when I did it again, to other people
the time I didn’t say something when someone was being bullied
the time(s) I let myself be bullied
every single time someone’s had me read a vision chart
the time I thought I’d paid my power bill and hadn’t
when I didn’t test the old yeast and my bread didn’t rise
when I ran to my room and cried instead of listening to my parents as we reviewed my test and the questions I got wrong
when I answered the Skype call and let myself get dragged into the drama
when I put the Lego piece in the wrong spot (because the drawing in the booklet was dark)
when I didn’t take late immersion
the time I kept quiet about how I was really feeling
the time I stopped calling my parents (and wondered why no one could tell there was something up with me)
when I forgot to bring different shoes to wear at work and had to wear my boots all day
when I lashed out
when I lashed out again
when I lashed out because I couldn’t stand my own thoughts
when I didn’t step back (when I really should have)
when I read your diary
the time I slipped on the rocks and didn’t want to “trouble anyone” (I fractured my tailbone)
when I didn’t say sorry
when I said sorry and didn’t mean it
when I scrolled the internet instead of doing things I love
when I opened the door into my foot (at least my blood didn’t stain the carpet, but I did have to file an incident report)
the time I didn’t ask for help to get the right paper rolls and the lotto reports didn’t print properly (I should have asked)
when I wrote my bile for anyone to read
when I drank the last beer
when I drank too much beer
when I insisted I was feeling fine, I just needed air (I threw up over the rail two minutes later. And on the table)
when I didn’t reply in the standard 24 hours
when I raised an eyebrow but I didn’t mean it like that, and we fought, and she sent me a message to say “it wasn’t our best weekend,” and instead of replying, I let the whole friendship go because I didn’t think I could explain what I meant and also that there were other hurts there too
when I stopped messaging to say I was in town (I didn’t expect to get invited to the wedding, but it still hurt somehow)
the time I wore grey lipstick
the time I wore navy blue lipstick
when I stopped writing
when I stopped reading
when I forgot who I was
the time I wrote this list
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Loved this 🖤
Lots to consider here. It's brave to write this and it shows some integrity. I don't think it was a mistake to write the list but I can understand that it was probably uncomfortable.
Very human, though.
Cheers.